Horace: Good evening, I'm Horace Finklestein.
Mary: I'm Mary Appleton and welcome to Channel 69's exclusive coverage of the 2011 Deskwarming Olympics. For those just tuning in, the Deskwarming Olympics is an elite event bringing together participants from all over Korea's public middle schools twice a semester. While the students write their all-important exams and other teachers supervise, the Native English Teachers simply sit in their offices for most of the week and try to evade Death by Boredom.
Horace: That's right, and here is where things get tricky and the truly crafty are separated from those merely watching the clock.
Mary: And that brings us to a very special segment of Spotlight on the Olympians. Today's featured athlete is Tamas. Born and raised in a little village our researchers are still trying to find on a map in Hungary, Tamas moved to Canada at the tender and confused age of 12. As an English teacher, he is representing Canada in his second appearance at the Deskwarming Olympics, making him a relative newcomer to the Olympics, but not to the sport itself.
Horace: Indeed. His experience as a reporter filled with endless boring graveyard shifts have honed the skills necessary to be a successful deskwarmer. Skills that will no doubt come in handy over the course of the next 4 days spent in his uncomfortable office chair. See, not only does a successful deskwarmer need imagination and ingenuity, he also needs to look busy while doing absolutely nothing at all. This may sound easy for a few hours, but the race for sanity really heats up by the fourth day.
Mary: Does it ever! And this is where someone with Tamas's background has a shot at edging out the his adversaries. His unhealthy obsession with photography is certain to give him a leg up on the competition.
Horace: That's right, it is rumoured that, while training for the event, he once did absolutely nothing for five days but sat on his bed eating Cheetos, editing pictures and arguing with people on internet forums about the usefulness of UV filters.
Mary: That's the kind of dedication only true champions show.
Horace: Some have called him the Michael Jordan of doing sweet eff-all and I don't think they were exaggerating. Now, tell me...what does Tamas have planned for his marathon performance? I mean, he's a young man with a laptop and an internet connection, is it as easy as simply looking at naked girls on the internet for four days?
Mary: You would think so. Our records do show that even after looking at hundreds of megabytes of hot girls, he shows no signs of being bored or any inclination to get out of his chair to shower. However, this possibility is not open to him. Being at work, the stakes would be phenomenally high, and he would run the risk of being banned from the sport of teaching for life. The sanctioning bodies are very strict on this point.
Horace: Okay, so he can't take the easy way out...what can he do??
Mary: While each athlete has a top-secret training schedule, our sources tell us that he is planning on avoiding the usual pitfall of simply watching movies.
Horace: That, of course, is the chosen method of many deskwarmers, but history has taught us time and again that it's not a long-term solution. You can only watch so many Will Ferrell movies before you long for something a little more challenging, or a lobotomy. No, Tamas has a few things lined up to keep his mind from flatlining.
Mary: Well, tell us, aside from the usual habit of editing and uploading pictures and showing them off like a kindergartener taking fingerpaintings home to his parents, what else do the next four days hold?
Horace: Though he doesn't know when his holidays are, he is going to research vacation spots and hopefully settle on one. We hear the Philippines and Malaysia are the frontrunners, but Mongolia has been discussed at length as well, so it's really anybody's guess at this point. Additionally, he will be designing lessons for a summerschool he's expected to run in a few weeks, and rumour has it that the dreaded Gear Acquisition Syndrome has hit again, and he's going to be researching lenses to buy, so that should take up some time as well.
Mary: Are performance enhancing substances an issue in the Deskwarming Olympics?
Horace: You bet. Since they are not banned, many athletes resort to drinking up to two gallons of coffee per day just to keep them from drooling all over their keyboards. However, about two months ago, Tamas began a silly quest for a healthy life and drinks nothing but water until dinnertime.
Mary: Admirable, but foolish.
Horace: Yes, that decision is certain to make things a lot more difficult for him, especially in the critical post-lunchtime period.
Mary: All we can do is wish him the best of luck.
Horace: Yes, it's going to be a challenging race to the top, but if anyone can do it, it's Tamas. That concludes this segment of Spotlight on the Olympians, but don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we'll feature an American teacher who is hoping to preserve what little is left of his sanity by learning to square dance at his desk over the course of the Olympics. I'm Horace Finklestein wishing you all a good night.
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